Show more
Lumb boosted

rebranding as a Charles Julius Guiteau stan account and burning off my finger prints with lye

Lumb boosted

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" I scream directly into the faces of the police officers, moments before they wrench the can of cheez-whiz out of my grasp

Lumb boosted

i cant stop using this gif to reply to things and im considering making it my bio header for 2019

Lumb boosted

Fave and I'll tell you one of my words. Boost and I'll make an audible grunt.

Lumb boosted

sweat beading on his brow, the man manages to pry the top off of the large crate, the sides fall away like a trap and venomous snakes spread out in every direction.

"happy new year" i mutter in a monotone, crouched like a goblin in the corner watching expectantly

Lumb boosted

roomie who otherwise doesn't usually go in for lewd jokes yelled "There can be only cum!" while christopher lambert made screaming orgasm noises during the finale of The Highlander

Lumb boosted

The difference between dark humor and murderous psychopathy is nothing more than benign violation: an autobiography of sam mendes

Lumb boosted

carving sigil runes in the rear of my prius to annihilate the sperm count of any officer who dares pull me over for going 30 over the limit

Lumb boosted

me: puns are the devil's rejoinders

also me: making an endless series of dumb puns and word play because the girl setting up my optometry appointment has an adorable giggle

Lumb boosted

selfie eye contact, forbidden knowledge Show more

Lumb boosted

really annoyed at the friends betraying my trust by wrestling the .357 magnum out of my hands after i stood nude on my roof firing at the sky and screaming that the "Stars were wrong"

Lumb boosted

@Zoe oh my god please seduce me with a boombox playing the macarena

Lumb boosted

if you're not willing to turn d-list washed up actors into skin suits to seduce ladies you really aren't trying hard enough smdh

Lumb boosted

lewd Show more

Lumb boosted

lewd meta Show more

Lumb boosted

if anyone knows any single girls who radiate the energy of angel olsen's 'windows' pls hook me up

Lumb boosted

I don't trust follow requests from accounts without pronouns in the bio.

Lumb boosted

that old joke where the woman's clothes rip off at the sound of a guy playing a guitar but instead it's due to a girl singing

Lumb boosted

*me sobbing pushing stack of printed horror toots across counter*

employee: ma'am for the last time we only cash out poker chips and even then you can't exchange them for a :

*squinting at note*

' big tiddy goth gf'

Lumb boosted

kicked out of the writer's room for coming up with "remakes" of various male led classics by just pitching the all lady oceans eleven movie via morse coded shrieks

Show more
The Lamp Institute

The Lamp Institute is an educational institution for those who have felt the drawn of its warm, soft light. The lamp is good. All hail the Lamp.

"I'm gay!"

-Lumb